Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Charm, cute and worry


My son is cute. Totally objectively speaking, of course. Not just by my mummy standards, of course not. He has a very good idea about how to work a crowd. He loves an audience and poses willingly for photos with his trademark excited smiley face. Often he finishes a performance with a bow and a wink.

Digger is definitely a pleaser. He wants us all to be together and happy.  All the time. He would make an excellent sheep dog. That is very well and lovely, but I worry that ├╝bercute Digger wins out over his more reflective self. I worry that the urge to please his surroundings may be to the detriment to recognising and acknowledging his own thoughts and feelings. That it is an early and effective cover for some more uncertain feelings.

Trying to make people feel comfortable and welcome is a quality that will probably stand Digger in good stead for the rest of his life. But I worry.  I occassionally try to divert his urge to perform. I make sure to kiss/cuddle/caress him more when he is doing nothing special. Like playing with his cars by himself. Or eating dinner. Those quiet moments when he is just being himself. I used to give in to his urges to perform, dances especially. Encourage even. Well, that has to go. I don't think I will be squashing a budding John Cleese, or Gene Kelly. Or... ? Gosh... never thought of it like that... Still has to go.


Over the festive season the kissing of half strangers rockets. Kisses and hugs everywhere. The British go continental. Digger too is receiving and giving. The other night when we had guests, he walked round the table saying goodnight to each and every guest. With a cuddle and a peck on the cheek. It was lovely, and very sweet of him. We hadn't prompted anything but a wave to say goodnight. But that make me worry. Had we somehow asked this of him? If so that has to go too.

I've tried to curb the pressure to hug and kissing. But it's difficult to get the balance right as pausing to say and wave goodbye to visitors helps Digger cope with the transition of them leaving. Yes he does take our lead, and we kiss away. But clearly we got to be careful and more measured perhaps. Also of overthinking. Oh dear ... I've lost that one already.

It worries me that his prime motivator is the fear of loss. Fear that we would not like (= love) him if he wasn't all sweet and cute. Or that other people wouldn't either. I've got a lot of work to do on this score. It's not about persuading him that he really is loveable just as he is. I don't think that would work, and certainly not with words.  Liking one self, staying with one self, the sense of self has to come from within. And it is that looking inwards that I don't see in his eagerness to make sure people around are happy, preferably laughing as well. The other day he got hurt, and with tears streaming down his face he kept on reassuring me 'I'm happy, mummy, I'm happy mummy.' 'You don't look so happy, my little heart. I think you look sad. Is that so?' But he wouldn't hear it.


If Digger gets worried, he ramps up the charm, which then can have a fake favour to it. Said through tears and hiccups, it is worrying to me that he says he is happy.


Don't get me wrong, there could be worse ways for getting attention and repairing his world. Digger is quite wilful too, so we see the other side as well. Usually though it is the pleaser that the public sees. I am almost relieved when he digs his heels in or gets stroppy. At least to start with. There is plenty of that too.


Once again it is about personal boundaries. Physically as well as emotionally. Admittedly, I like it best too if people are happy, and I obviously have to revisit my own behaviour in all of this. Good manners is not just about a good upbringing, it is creation of an individual with a good sense of self. 



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