Since our son moved in with us, four years ago, I have not
stopped reading. Books about parenting, the brain, adoption & fostering,
trauma and much more. While I have yet to read a single book where I agree with
everything, there are certainly several books that have shifted my view. Books
that have challenged, even provoked me. Books that have changed the way I
parent. A great number of those books are from Scandinavia. To me they
represent a HUGE gap in the literature in the English-speaking literature. Down
to earth and practical books that do not talk down to us as parents. I am very
tired of being talked down to. As an adoptive parent I have, and have had, a
lot of professionals in my life, judging my parenting – be it positively or
negatively. I know I am not alone in this experience of being judged. It
comes with being an adoptive parent. It happens to us all. Before, during and –
hopefully – after we become parents.
I gained a little more insight and inspiration recently, in
finishing very good parenting book, in my mother tongue Danish. Dan Svarre’s Glade børn med højt selvværd – en
forældreguide [Happy children with healthy self-worth – a guide for
parents], Politikens Forlag 2008.
Many passages struck a cord with me. Especially, Svarre’s emphasis
on the role of the parent, and the necessity for the parent to deal with their
own childhood experiences. This is something I wholeheartedly believe in, and to
some extend, something I was quite unprepared for back in 2012, when our son
came to us. Apart from the depth of love that I feel for my family, the
greatest surprise in becoming a parent for me was how it forced me to look at
my own background, if I wanted to avoid the mistakes I and my siblings had been
subjected to, but by that same token I also saw a need to realise what in my
background had been good, and perhaps deserved to be repeated or even
strengthen. That latter realisation only came later. And only after getting
old-fashioned mad at my parents, an anger I let flow rather freely
in another blog.
The longer I spend in my role as a mother, the more I
realise it is not a role. It is being. There are no tricks, no quick fixes. For
them or for us. There really only is being. Being ourselves at that. Our
children are heat-seeking missiles for authenticity, perhaps more than most as
their sensitivities have been fine-tuned to pick up moods and even slight changes
in moods, to keep safe. I believe there is healing for both them and us in just
that. Authenticity. Finding and living it is easier said than done. They know
when we are not being true to our own selves. Better than us. Before we even
realise. When my son points out my moods, it is my job to listen and be honest.
The quality of the connection with my son is very much
something that it is in my power to influence. And it is something that I can choose
to nurture or not. Much of the teachings about this parenting stint – the
books, the courses, the workshops, the blogs – is about words, wisdom (or not)
steeped in words. This blog included. I tire of words. Yet I know they are
necessary. But often they are not.
So back to closeness
without words, the title of this blog. With the author’s permission I have
translated a short passage from Svarre’s book Glade børn. It is a passage from about closeness without words. In
my opinion, we often overlook such subtleties in being with our children. In
between all the practicalities, the laundry, the meals, the packed lunches, the
keeping of appointments, the bath times, the bedtimes and so on. I also happen
to believe that it is these moments of no words that we are really being asked
to give when we are asked to give our children min. 10 minutes a day of undivided attention, as suggested by so
many parenting experts, from Bryan Post to Laura Markham and Patty Wipfler. That
always seemed a lean diet to me.
I think Svarre puts the importance non-verbal togetherness
eloquently. This is what I strive for. It may be obvious to you, but I admit it
wasn’t to me. And it something I work on. Consciously. Because practice makes
the master. Or so I hope.
Anyway here goes an extract from Svarre’s book Glade børn.
Have a good life
As a parent the best
you can do for your child is to have a good life. For you are your child’s
primary and more intense relation through its early childhood, and the way in
which you create your relation, will have lasting impact on, how your child may
experience and live his or her own life. The principles and mechanisms are
actually quite simple: Walk ahead. Lead the way. Show how you do it. Be what you wish to be reflected in your
child. Create a good life for yourself. Create an atmosphere of containment, acceptance
and enjoyment.
The principles and
mechanisms for the development of your child’s self-worth are equally simple.
Here are a few examples:
·
If you
show your child, that you feel joy, value and enjoyment in its company, it will
interpret it as, and feel like it, is valued.
·
If you
emanate joy and fulfilment sparked by the sheer existence of your child, it
will interpret and experience, that its sheer existence has value.
·
If you can
be quiet together with your child in intense contact and in intense presence,
the child will experience that its sheer presence has value.
·
If you
receive your child and contain whatever emotions it may harbour, without
necessarily having to try to create solutions [for them], your child will experience that its
emotions are acceptable and, moreover, valued just as they are.
·
If you
show your child that you accept and respect that it may have a need to withdraw
and to be alone, your child will experience, that its very being is being
respected and valued.
·
If you
take responsibility for addressing an important and necessary conflict and can
be attentive and accepting towards both yourself and your child, your child
will experience that it has value.
It is the glint of joy
in your eyes of seeing your child again, which is reflected in your body
language, when your child returns from nursery, kindergarten or summercamp,
that tells your child that it has true value. Thus you can support your child
without using as much as a single word.
I’d only add that as adoptive parents that obviously we
have not had the privilege of being the primary caregivers throughout our
children’s childhood. But we hope to be principal ones. Getting there takes
time and unstinting perseverance – on both parts.
The
translation is mine, and so any mistakes are mine, and mine alone.